Oscillation between two mind sets

[creative_writer]

Sometimes I feel like I’m on top of things and don’t feel like my trauma defines me and I don’t feel so ashamed and scared. Other times I want to hide from the world and feel like a **** (I’m not going to say the word here since I don’t want to trigger anyone) 😭, I feel so ashamed that I don’t want people to know 

[Gina2]

Hi @creative_writer, 

I totally understand where you are coming from and just remember that this is completely normal. 

Having good days and bad days are normal and it's okay to have days where you are struggling. 

Don't feel ashamed, feeling these things are completely normal.

I hope things get better, 

Gina2

[creative_writer]

Hi @Gina2, it’s nice to meet you 🙂. I hope you find the forums welcoming.

I know it’s natural to feel the way I am. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I’ll always be the one who couldn’t save herself

[Zoe7]

@creative_writer we have not interacted much on here but what I have seen over some time now is a very capable, astute and bright person who is not just aware of their feelings but takes positive steps to improve themselves all around. There are going to be those days when it is a struggle, whether we are dealing with a MI or not everyone has them ....but they seemed to be amplified when we have other things going on. Keep doing what you are doing @creative_writer , keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking those giant leaps when you come. It may be a cliche but life is a marathon, not a sprint, and you are doing the best you can to keep moving forward. 💕

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7, it’s nice to see you on the forums. I hope you are doing well 🙂💖.

This marriage talk is also driving me insane 😬. I hardly ever feel safe, feeling safe in a relationship feels so unreal right now. I just don’t believe many guys would be able to hold this

[Zoe7]

Not great here either @creative_writer but more physical pain than emotional (although one does intersect with the other at times). ...but this is not about me Hon. It is really hard when you do not feel safe. Please look after yourself. I have to head to bed.💕

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7, I know the relationship between physical and emotional pain too well, I just noticed I’m not doing physically well right now either, I didn’t realise the physical pain since I was so distracted with thoughts. I hope you feel better tom 💖🫂. I’ll probably have an early night too, I’m at uni tomorrow. I want to be in bed by 10 if not before

[Zoe7]

One can often mask the other @creative_writer when we are struggling - be kind to yourself Hon ❤️ I hope today is a better day for you.

[creative_writer]

@Zoe7, in a bit of physical pain. Been distracted today with uni, will be going tom too. I’m not saying my new Pdoc is a bad pdoc, but the way he asked about flashbacks felt too confronting. This feeling of shame is something that I need to work on as do still tend to oscillate. I hope today has been a better day for you too 💖

[Zoe7]

Today hasn't been great @creative_writer I was really glad to get home to have some help with the pain. Heading to bed soon too - the emotional toll pain takes is so underestimated 😢

It is really hard when our supports make us feel worse. Remember though you have a choice on what you deal with and when ...maybe worth a conversation with your pdoc to let him know how you felt.